House hunting

Today, I am doing what every Southern California girl dreads to do, no, not buy a bathing suit—I’m not brave enough to do that—house hunting.

House hunting in Southern California will daunt the bravest souls. You have to know the lingo, you have to have no fear of insects/arachnids, mold, or decorating felonies. In short, you need to have the heart of a lion, and the patience of a saint. A law degree wouldn’t hurt either.

In the immortal words of Crash Davis (Bull Durham), you have to “know your clichés.”

“Quaint” means so small, that your cat will be claustrophobic, and none of your stuff will fit.

“Cozy” means both small and cave-like, and possibly no overhead lighting. It definitely means no central air.

“Charming” means that the house was built before 1955, and looks it. An alternate meaning is “no closet space.”

“Needs TLC” means not, needs tender loving care, but as my son says (and poor kid, he’s becoming an expert), needs “tender loving construction.”

“Views” often refer to the back neighbor’s ten foot satellite dish climbing over your fence.

“Freeway close” means that you not only can hear the semis, but you can read their license plates.

“Newer appliances” means circa 1985.

“Walk to the beach” means closer to the beach than Kansas.

“Fixer upper” means that you need to be a contractor to get the house up to code.

“Good neighborhood” means that there hasn’t been a gang shooting on the street in over a week.

“Starter home” means that you can’t invite your friends or extended family over because they’ll be ashamed of where you live, or even fear for their lives.

“Move in ready” means that most of the doors can be accounted for, but are probably propped up against the house in the backyard.

“Lots of extras” means that the previous owners added many horrible “improvements,” such as faux painting techniques, wallpaper, and colonial/country fixtures that you will have to yank out and throw away, paint over, or rent expensive equipment to remove.

“Low maintenance yard” means either rocks or cement, and true it doesn’t involve a lawn mower.

“Bonus room” means a do it yourself, windowless, drywall monstrosity in the garage, or over the patio.

Why am I doing this again?